On Sunday morning I was woken up from a deep sleep (caused by sufficient beer at the party the previous night, but that’s another story) by the door bell at the crack of dawn, (11:30am).

I grabbed my dressing-gown and went to see just who had the audacity to disturb me and drag me out of my sickbed.

Opening the door I was confronted by a smartly dressed couple in their mid-twenties. She was carrying a bible and he had an official looking briefcase full of magazines. Straight away I realized I was not going to get any breakfast if I wasn’t careful.

“Yes?” I enquired, “If it’s about my gambling debts I did promise ‘Bert the Bookies Nark’ I would pay by the end of the week”.

Blank look. Not a snigger or a smile. My witty comment went straight over their heads; they probably thought I was serious!

“Have you found God yet?” the male asked.

Oh, I was so, SO tempted to reply ‘I didn’t know he was missing’ but I bit my tongue and said “Yes, he was hiding behind the sofa.”

Still no laughter or smile at my even wittier comeback. It was then that it dawned on me that these buggers were serious, and not a put-up job by my friends to get me going because they know that I’m a dyed-in-the wool unbeliever.

“Have you ever read the bible?”, it was the females turn now. I replied “Yes, once, but it was so boring. When I got to the book of Cyril I fell asleep. Mind you, I did enjoy the film very much, especially when they nailed that bloke to the cross” (aren’t I evil?)

A look of utter disbelief spread across her face. “But there isn’t a book of Cyril in the bible” she said. “Oh sh*t, I must have read the wrong book then” I replied.

At this the man managed a little smile, “You’re taking the mick aren’t you?” he said.

“Yes, now please go way and leave my in own personal little hell-hole. I have got a bad headache, and I feel sick because I’ve not been well lately. Furthermore I’m not interested in any rubbish you want to tell me about god, heaven, hell or the meaning of life. I am a heretic, atheist, pagan, wiccan, call it what you like, now **** off!”

She smiled sweetly and handed me a copy of ‘The Watchtower’ and ‘Awake’ and said “We understand. Please read these, they may help you in this time of uncertainty. We will call again soon to see you”. With that they went to the house next door that is inhabited by a cantankerous old misery guts (not a bit like me at all), so I knew they would be warmly welcomed there as well.

GOD! Will I never be free of ‘em? [Famous quote by Major Bludnock, late of the Goons].

NB> If there any Jehovahs witnesses out there reading this and you are offended, then tough! You should keep your religion to yourself and not tout it around to people who are not interested. I don’t go knocking on strangers doors and saying “Have you ever considering not believing in God? Come and join us devil-worshipers!”

Cartoon taken from The Oldie magazine.

“It’s the new ‘Punch’, it’s the new ‘New Yorker’, it’s brilliant” – Gyles Brandreth.

My sister and brother-in-law have just returned from a trip to the USA. On the way out they were told to report to the airport three hours before the flight.

When they arrived they were checked in and had to go through the “golden gate” (the metal detector arch) along with all the other passengers. The whole process of searching everyone took almost two hours because of the number of passengers involved, and no-one was allowed to leave the queue, not even to go to the toilet.

When it came to my sisters turn the security officer searched her hand luggage and found her manicure set. “Sorry, but you cant take this on the plane, it contains sharp implements which can be construed as offensive weapons”, so he confiscated it, (I thought all weapons were “offensive”, this is the whole idea of having a weapon).

My sister was a little perturbed at first, but as it was only a cheap bit of tat she had bought at Poundsaver, so she let the matter go.

After the plane took off and everybody was settled down for the flight, a hostess came down the centre aisle pushing a trolley selling sweets, newspapers and the usual souvenirs. My sister was amazed to see amongst them were several manicure sets! She bought one and nobody said anything. When she opened it it was full of “offensive weapons”; two pairs of pointed scissors, a nail-file with a pointy end and a vicious looking needle-prodder of some sort.

The mind boggles!

As I approached the traffic lights I indicated left and moved into the nearside lane. When the lights changed to green I moved forward and started to turn left when something hit the nearside of my car. I pulled over just round the corner and looking back I saw a teenager of about 16 spread across his now useless cycle. I went back to see if he was OK and apart from a scratched knee and a knackered bike he was alright.

Apparently he came up from behind me at the lights and tried to squeeze between my car and the kerb as I moved off. Apart from the fact that kind of manoeuvre is against the law, I didn’t see him because he was in a blind spot of my mirror, and I was watching the traffic opposite to see if they were turning right.

He had badly scratched and dented the side of my car, but all he was concerned about was getting my insurance details to pay for the damage to his bike and sue me for the injuries he had sustained! It was obvious that it was his fault, and a pedestrian who saw what had happened gave me her phone number and address.

I asked him for his insurance details to have the damage to my car paid for and, surprise surprise, he said “Cyclists don’t have insurance, we don’t need it”. To which I replied “Well then, I’ll call the police out to this accident and get this matter sorted.” He stopped smirking and a look of panic spread across his face because by now a small crowd had gathered and I had quite a few more witnesses by then.

“F**k you!” he said, as he limped painfully off into the sunset carrying what was left of his bike. “Hey!” I shouted after him, “You’ve left one of your pedals behind!”

[Picture above is a library photo]

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“You looking at me?”

Let me put you in the picture as to my TV reception facilities here. There isn’t any. I do NOT own a working TV set, and have not done so for the last 12 years. I was so disgusted with the banal mind-numbing crap that the BBC churned out in the name of entertainment. In fact ITV was just as bad. The only thing I watched was the BBC News, and even that was being censored by them. What news they show is either bad, or doesn’t tell the whole truth, or is withheld in part.

When the licence fee went up in 1999 I took my TV to the local tip and throw it into the skip, and I haven’t owned a TV since then.

I didn’t renew my TV licence in 2000. What was the point? Immediately, well in a matter of days, I received a letter reminding me that I hadn’t renewed, and if I didn’t I faced a fine of up to £1000. Charming! So I drafted a nice polite letter explained why I didn’t need a licence and I thought that was the end of the matter.

WRONG. Ever since then I have received a constant stream of letters with “TV Licensing” on the envelope. At first I read their idle threats about what they planned to do to me, i.e., hefty fines, imminent court action, search warrants, firing squad etc. After a while I just put the letters straight into the shredder without opening them. The propaganda put out by TV Licensing portrays TV Licence evaders as criminals and scum of the earth. What you have to remember in all this is that it’s just about the entirely harmless act of watching television.

Then it happened. One day there was a loud knocking on the door. I opened it to find a “TV Licence Enforcement Officer” standing there, pen poised over his clipboard ready to write down my response to his
“You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. Do you understand?”. I said “No”, then he wrote something on his pad. I thought “Well he did say ‘You do not have to say anything’ so I wont”.

“Are you Mr Keith Smith?”
silence.
“Are you the occupier?”
silence.
“Do you own a TV or any other equipment capable of receiving television signals?”
silence.
There was a load of other questions he asked as I just stood there with a sickly grin on my face. Finally I cracked, “F**k off”, and I shut the door. That was two years ago and since then the threatening letters had stopped.

That is until yesterday morning. I picked up a letter with the “TV Licensing” logo on it, so I broke the rule and opened it. The gist of it was “We have reason to believe that you are watching TV without a licence”, and then it went into the usual threats of court action, fines, and possible castration; sorry, I mean incarceration if I didn’t phone, write or email them by 26 August as to why I haven’t got a TV Licence. Here we go again, I thought, back to square one. I still haven’t got a TV, but I have bought a video cassette player which is interfaced with this computer for the sole purpose of copying my home movies to DVD.

I went to great pains years ago to find out my rights in this case and the action I took was perfectly legal and I was within my rights.
So basically this is the drill:
1. A knock on the door (or the sound of a doorbell)
2. Open the door and have the person identify himself (could be a human with a proper job you see)
3. No, it’s a TV Licensing Enforcement Officer
4. Listen but say nothing
5. Close the door
6. Oops … Take a picture first and then close the door (that really pisses them off)
Don’t you just love that surprised look on his face?

There are quite a few things about society nowadays that really piss me off.

One of them is the drivers who constantly change lanes without warning on roundabouts, filter lanes and three lane roads, like motorways, without indicating their intentions. Another one is the drivers who overtake at speed on narrow roads, even on the cross-hatching marks. Worse still are the ones who undertake on the left; don’t they realise that they are in the other drivers “blind spot” and could cause an accident if the first driver pulls over to the left suddenly?

The one thing that really gets my goat are the people on commercial websites who don’t answer your emails when you make enquiries or ask for help on their products.

Several times just lately I have clicked on the “Contact Us” tab and filled in the form to ask for further information about something on their site that I may be interested in buying. It’s very rare that I get an answer. When they don’t reply I think “Sod it, I wont visit their site again” because it seems that they can’t be that eager to sell me anything. Some sites don’t even have a way of contacting them, no email address, no location address or phone number!

This is in complete contrast to all the junk mail I get from people wanting to sell me things I don’t want or need!

I’m off to the pub. . .

Senior officers say smashed car windows and other damage to cars should not be classed as criminal damage if nothing is stolen. They even accused front line bobbies of being “too quick” to assume that an offence has been committed when motorists report damage to their vehicles. Unbelievable!

Apparently it is only classed as a crime if someone gets hurt in the incident, either the owner, the perpetrator or a third party.

Added to this is the fact that “anti-social behaviour” is not a crime it’s, well, just anti-social behaviour probably on a par to a child being naughty and vandalising the furniture because its parents wont let him have some sweets.

Adding these two facts together it is tantamount to giving the street yobs a licence to smash up someones car just for the fun of it, and because they haven’t committed a crime they get away with it scot-free! This is apparently what happened last week on the public car park in our town.

I parked my car on the public car park last week to go shopping and nearby I saw this badly damaged car. The owner, a young woman, was standing by it extremely upset. I asked her what had happened and she replied that she lived in a flat near the car park and had gone out intending to go to work and found it in the condition you see here.

She told me that she had only recently moved to Earl Shilton and didn’t know many people and couldn’t imagine who would do such a thing to her. She also told me that the police had only just left, and apart from walking around the car and taking notes they had issued her with an “incident number” to give to her insurance company when she claimed for the damage, they told her that it was not advisable to park on a public car park overnight. Then left.

Can you imagine how this young woman must feel? How would you feel if it was your car?

I think that de-criminalising vandalism on cars is one of the things the police have done to massage the crime figures. I keep reading about how the crime rate is falling in this country, yet I only have to look around our town to see what appears to be an increase in local crime. Even one junior ranking officer said in the above article “It is outrageous to attempt to manipulate the crime figures and make things look a lot more rosy than they are. . . . you can imagine the anger of a member of the public when a constable has to explain to then that vandalism is not criminal damage.”

So now that vandalism isn’t a crime anymore perhaps the police can get on with the job of catching the real criminals . . . . the motorists!

Click the images to see a larger version, and then again to see an even bigger pic.

Yes, that is a paving slab that was thrown at the windscreen!

In reply to Guyana Girl‘s question in the previous post of what constitutes a “yob” I will try and define the meaning as I see it.

I thought everyone knew what a yob was, goodness knows, we see enough of them nowadays! A precise definition is difficult – in the early days before the youth of today got really out of hand, it was a ‘backwards boy’, y-o-b!

What constitutes yobbish behaviour? At what point does shouting, excessive drinking, swearing, graffiti, fighting, drug taking, mugging, stealing etc. become anti-social? In the Governments book, never it seems, they just put it down to high spirits but in my book just behaving in an anti-social manner and being a pain in the neck constitutes a yob. Incidently yob can also be a young girl now, because some of them are worse than the boys.

I’m afraid that I’ve lost my respect and confidence in the younger generation; I don’t trust any of them. In my waning years now I have had too many bad experiences at their hands so I avoid contact with them whenever I can. Sad, I know, but I prefer it this way.

This morning I found an official looking letter in a plain white evelope with no gaudily printed words like “Open NOW!“, or “Special Offer!” amongst the usual pile of junk-mail on the doormat.

In fact it looked more like the the usual local Council’s   “. . pay your council tax IMMEDIATELY or you will be sent to prison!”  type of letter that I usually get, but I have aready paid this month so it could be a rebate? I thought “Wow, the bastards have finally decided to help me out of my poverty”.  I tore it open only to find a brightly coloured letter with loads of print and pictures, showing Old Age Pensioners smiling happily and posing by their new central heating boilers, cookers and the like.

I won’t bore you with the all the details but it all boiled down to “You MAY be entitled to a Gov Grant, you COULD get as much as £3,000. Send us all your personal details together with loads of money and we will investigate your case to see which grants you MAY qualify for”.  I’ve bolded the important words.

Now isn’t that nice of them? Along comes some complete strangers who are so concerned about my financial postion that they feel compelled to go out of their way to help a poor old age pensioner. I find that very touching, but they are not touching my wallet, that’s for sure.

As you may be aware all comments are moderated before I put them up, this is because of spam and idiots who seem to have nothing better to do with their time.

Because of the number of abusive comments I have received on my “Troop Aid” post I have removed the comment box.

I stongly suspect that these comments (so far I have had 29 since that post) are from one person who is obviously barely able to read and write english because they all have the same smelling pistakes and bad grammar in them; and all are anonymous. I am fed up with having to trash comments calling me a ‘nazi’, ‘scum’ and worse for supporting our troops in Afghanistan everytime I log on to my page.

Apologies to anyone who commented sensibly. I hope the person responsible can now see that none of his filth actually shows up on my page, so ‘go away’ in Anglo-Saxon!