On Sunday morning I was woken up from a deep sleep (caused by sufficient beer at the party the previous night, but that’s another story) by the door bell at the crack of dawn, (11:30am).

I grabbed my dressing-gown and went to see just who had the audacity to disturb me and drag me out of my sickbed.

Opening the door I was confronted by a smartly dressed couple in their mid-twenties. She was carrying a bible and he had an official looking briefcase full of magazines. Straight away I realized I was not going to get any breakfast if I wasn’t careful.

“Yes?” I enquired, “If it’s about my gambling debts I did promise ‘Bert the Bookies Nark’ I would pay by the end of the week”.

Blank look. Not a snigger or a smile. My witty comment went straight over their heads; they probably thought I was serious!

“Have you found God yet?” the male asked.

Oh, I was so, SO tempted to reply ‘I didn’t know he was missing’ but I bit my tongue and said “Yes, he was hiding behind the sofa.”

Still no laughter or smile at my even wittier comeback. It was then that it dawned on me that these buggers were serious, and not a put-up job by my friends to get me going because they know that I’m a dyed-in-the wool unbeliever.

“Have you ever read the bible?”, it was the females turn now. I replied “Yes, once, but it was so boring. When I got to the book of Cyril I fell asleep. Mind you, I did enjoy the film very much, especially when they nailed that bloke to the cross” (aren’t I evil?)

A look of utter disbelief spread across her face. “But there isn’t a book of Cyril in the bible” she said. “Oh sh*t, I must have read the wrong book then” I replied.

At this the man managed a little smile, “You’re taking the mick aren’t you?” he said.

“Yes, now please go way and leave my in own personal little hell-hole. I have got a bad headache, and I feel sick because I’ve not been well lately. Furthermore I’m not interested in any rubbish you want to tell me about god, heaven, hell or the meaning of life. I am a heretic, atheist, pagan, wiccan, call it what you like, now **** off!”

She smiled sweetly and handed me a copy of ‘The Watchtower’ and ‘Awake’ and said “We understand. Please read these, they may help you in this time of uncertainty. We will call again soon to see you”. With that they went to the house next door that is inhabited by a cantankerous old misery guts (not a bit like me at all), so I knew they would be warmly welcomed there as well.

GOD! Will I never be free of ‘em? [Famous quote by Major Bludnock, late of the Goons].

NB> If there any Jehovahs witnesses out there reading this and you are offended, then tough! You should keep your religion to yourself and not tout it around to people who are not interested. I don’t go knocking on strangers doors and saying “Have you ever considering not believing in God? Come and join us devil-worshipers!”

Cartoon taken from The Oldie magazine.

“It’s the new ‘Punch’, it’s the new ‘New Yorker’, it’s brilliant” – Gyles Brandreth.

I have noticed that Blogger have changed the rules on commenting on their sites. There are now quite a few blogs that I cannot comment on now.

I do NOT have a Google Account any longer, nor do I have a Live Journal, WordPress, Typepad, AIM or OpenID accounts. I do use a WordPress template on my own domain, but not an account with them as such. This now means that unless I sign up with one of the above platforms most Blogger sites are now closed to me. There are several sites on my sidebar that I can read (obviously) but cannot add my comments.

Betsy is one. If you are reading this I did try several times but I get a “Your credentials could not be verified.” flag now.

Helen (LOM) is another, but that’s a WordPress site. I can comment, but only if I use my Facebook account, which I joined against my better judgement!

I will not be bullied or press-ganged into joining one of the platforms that Blogger allows. If I can’t comment, then so be it!

I just did a search of the Heinz Weight Watchers webpage and I couldn’t find the Beef & Vegetable meal anywhere, which I thought was rather strange. All the other products were listed but not that particular one. I changed over to “images” in Google and saw 100′s of pictures of their products but not one of the 2nd picture in my post (I scanned the box for that).

Is it a fraud?

I once bought a box of Liptons Yellow Label Tea (which turned out to be fake, see here) from an obscure webpage in this country because that particular product, although blended in Liverpool, is available all over the world but not in Britain for some strange reason. It is my favourite blend and I always buy some when I visit France. When it arrived I thought that the box didn’t look quite right, the colours looked different to my now nearly empty genuine box, nevertheless I tried a cupful. It was absolutely disgusting!

I took some sachets to a chemist friend and he analysed them and found that the sachets contained wood sawdust dyed with tea. I took the box to the trading standards officer and she told me that there is a lot of fraud nowadays, but she couldn’t do anything about it except to report it to a higher authority. The counterfeiters don’t always copy Rolex watches, jewellery, designer clothes and handbags, they are now into copying everyday items to make a quick buck.

I did think of writing to Heinz, but then I thought it would be just a waste of time like the business of the teabags; nothing ever came of that. Liptons never did acknowledge my letter when I told them what had happened.

I will just have to be more careful in future.

Afterthought – 17 April: If the Heinz frozen meal is genuine and has changed then they should put a notice on the box, possibly something like this:

“The quality and quantity of this product has been reduced, and the price increased by 10% (or whatever) in order to maximise our profits”.

I always prefer to cook my own meals, and even make my own bread, but I do like to keep two or three frozen instant meals in the freezer just in case I don’t have time to prepare anything.

One of my favourites is the Weight Watchers Beef Hotpot from Heinz. Not that I do watch my weight; being a slim handsome Senior Citizen I don’t need to! I enjoy that particular meal because it is full of flavour and well cooked.

I had to rush out one night last week so I used my last instant meal and thought the next time I was in the supermarket I would stock up with some more beef hotpots.

I scanned the shelves in the freezer cabinets, but couldn’t find the beef hotpots, then I saw the beef & vegetable hotpots (right) in the adjacent cabinet. I thought that Heinz had changed the packet design and improved the recipe so I bought two thinking they would be the same high quality. Wrong!

I tried one tonight because I was late getting home and didn’t have time to rustle up something myself. The first mouthful convinced me that I had made a mistake! It was tasteless and, in my opinion, not cooked very well. I persevered but half way through I gave up and scraped it into the cats dish, who promptly sniffed it and walked away! Cats are very good critics, and she probably though I was trying to poison her!

The meat, what there was of it, was very chewy and the vegetables could have been cooked a bit longer. All in all, it wasn’t up to the usual Heinz standard by a long way. Compare the two pictures and see what you think. Every picture tells a story they say.

So it was a quick trip to the local chippie for sausage, chips and mushy peas I’m ashamed to say.

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Well, it was either that or a bowl of my friend Phil’s homemade cassoulet!

Thanks to all my fans (both of you!) who emailed me asking me to relent and carry on blogging. After a long deliberation and many sleepless nights I decided that maybe I should return to the fold. I must admit that I missed writing complete and utter nonsense to please the masses!

After my mother died I inherited a big box of papers, letters and photographs that she had collected throughout her life. I found my old school reports and letters to and from the teachers about my disruptive behaviour in class etc.

Honestly I couldn’t believe it. I always thought I was the sweet gentle type who just loved mixing and playing with the other boys, and then kicking the s**t out of them when they wouldn’t give me their dinner money. That was the norm in those days.

I found a handwritten copy of a letter dated July 1950 which I thought was still relevant today. I don’t know whether she copied it from somewhere, or whether she composed it and sent it the HM Inland Revenue & Bandit office. I wouldn’t put it past her, she was a very forthright person; she always told it as it was! Anyway here is a copy of it:

Dear Sirs,

Mrs Dicky Bird
“The Nest”
Upper Sapling
BOUGH
Barkshire

I have changed the name and address to protect the guilty.