This morning I woke up bright and early. The sunlight was streaming through the window, the birds were all of a twitter and I felt really great and nicely relaxed. Not even the usual hangover!

However, that was soon to change. I clicked onto “Yahoo” to read my emails and the news and there, in large letters on the right of the screen, “YOU COULD DIE TO-DAY. Could your family meet the bills, etc.” You’ve probably seen the adverts. The insurance companies are getting desperate for customers in this time of ‘austerity’ (big depression!) and the ‘credit crunch’ (BIG depression!).

“Ah well”, I thought, “Thanks for making my day Mr Yahoo, aka Aviva Ins. Co.”. Feeling slightly off colour now I munched away at my toast and Marmite, then I heard the postman dropping to-days allocation of junk mail into my postbox.

Now, I don’t know who is putting it about that I am an incredibly old git who needs all sorts of very expensive aids like stair-lifts, walk-in baths, walking sticks, mobility scooters, recliners and the like, but just lately the junk mail has turned from ‘Start a new career’ courses, work from home, gymnasium leaflets, meet the lady of your dreams, holidays in exotic places, to the oldie type junkmail that now chokes the postbox. If I find out who it is I shall hit them with my zimmer frame!

This morning was no exception. I received a catalogue for medical aids with such things as leak-proof incontinent underpants and other things that a sex pervert would appreciate more than me! I had a free trial copy of “The Oldie” magazine that “one of your friends has recommended for you”. Huh! Some friend!

You know you are getting old when you look in the Gents Outfitters and think “Hmm, that’s a nice cardigan. . .”

Now I’m depressed. I’m going out to throw myself in front of a passing blonde.