On rare occasions (very rare!) I see a policeman on a pedal cycle. Today was one of those days. He was at the ATM machine in the main street, no doubt getting some of his meagre wages out.

The first thing I noticed was that thing on his head. He looked absolutely ridiculous, just as if he had stepped out of a circus ring!

Nothing wrong with the rest of his uniform, but I would have liked to see him wearing a long sleeved shirt, nicely pressed, and a tie. When the police used to dress smartly they commanded the respect of the man in street. Not so much now methinks!

They look too casual, scruffy in fact. I think our council street cleaners in their nice green and yellow overalls look smarter!

Whoever designed that style of safety helmet must have done it as a joke. It does nothing for his image. How can you take him seriously, when he’s ticking you off for some misdemeanour? I’m afraid I would have a job to suppress a laugh.

Clic the pics for larger images.

I suggest that the police authorities should have a rethink about the design of the safety hemets for the police who ride around on their noddy bikes.

Now if it was up to me I would design a helmet like the one on the right. Anyone wearing a helmet like that would certainly command the respect of the great unwashed and the yobs, and most certainly any older person who can remember when anyone wearing that design of helmet was well respected, especially on the continent! You didn’t argue with them then.

You must admit it does give an air of authority to the wearer, not like the clowns hat the bike-police have to wear now.

An American comedian once said “How can you take the British police seriously? They don’t even carry a gun!”

Many years ago I saw a noticed that Sotherbys, or Christies, (I can’t remember which now) in London were going to auction a collection of genuine Tiffany lamps.

I knew that I couldn’t afford to buy one because nowadays the real ones fetch ridiculously high prices, but it would be nice to go and have a looksee. When I arrived there on the day I bought a catalogue and viewed the lamps on display.

Now I had never seen the real lamps up close before and I was a little disappointed with the quality of the workmanship of some. I know that Louis Tiffany didn’t design or make all the lamps, the majority were designed and made by the staff at the studio, nevertheless the soldering on some was of a poor standard. However the special glass they used was of a very high standard.

The lamps were lit for the viewing and the colours were stunning. All the lamps sparkled, except for a few that were in a poor condition due to misuse and age. Several were quite dirty and had cracked glass or missing pieces in them, but even those fetched high bids, surprisingly.

One particular lamp caught my eye. It was an uplighter of very high quality and in pristine condition, obviously it had been lovingly cared for and it was attributed to have been designed and made by the master himself. Apparently it was a special commission and only one was ever made. It’s not even in “The Lamps of Tiffany” by Dr Egon Neustadt.

I quickly counted my money which amounted to about £23 : 17 : 11d (thats how long ago it was!) and a German 10 mark note! No chance. The final bid on the uplighter was £220,000, or somewhere in that region. Ah well, never mind I thought. Then I noticed that there was a photograph of that lamp in the catalogue, and it gave all the measurements.

Well, I thought, I will just have to make my own. When I returned home I scaled up the picture and made a paper-mache mold, painted it white and drew the pattern of all the glass pieces on it as Tiffany would have done. I covered the mold with beeswax so that the glass would stay in place when I did the soldering. When it was finished I released it from the mold by warming it in the oven to melt the beeswax.

I cleaned and polished it, fixed it into it’s mounting frame, and it’s now hanging in my lounge. The quality of the glass doesn’t show up in the photos because of my cheap camera and Photoshop6 obviously can’t catch the sparkle and the real colours; plus the fact that colours in every make of monitor display them slightly different. I can assure you that mine looks every bit as good as the original!

I wonder how much I would get in auction for it? Any ideas?

Clic the pic to get another page and then click on that image to get a bigger size.

Note to Helen: Sorry, I can’t comment on your blog anymore. My WordPress, Google, Gravator and Facebook accounts are no longer acceptable.

If you have read the sidebar you will see that I had a stained glass business called “Anget Stained Glass” before I retired. When I gave up the trade name someone else took it up. Click here to view his site, his studio is very like the one I had.

I now make stained glass windows (NOT with stick-on lead, but the real thing!) and lampshades to order, providing the job is interesting and pays well. I don’t carry a stock of lead came or coloured glass now because that is just capital tied up on the shelves.

If someones wants a window or tiffany lamp I price up the materials and insist on a 50% deposit before buying the materials. This is to ensure that they don’t back out when the project is complete. I have been caught out like that before, they turn up, look at the window or lamp and say “Sorry, that’s not quite what I wanted.” and go away, leaving me to dispose of it, usually at a loss.

I was approached by a somewhat rich local business man who said he was furnishing his new mansion (?) in the “Arts and Crafts” style but couldn’t find a desk lamp from that period, but he had come across an old catalogue published by the Cincinnati Artistic Wrought Iron Works,Cincinnati, Ohio, and was rather taken by the lamp shown above Clic the pic.

He asked if I could make one like it. “Easy-peasy” I said “It’s a doddle. No problem”.

He agreed to my price and coughed up 50% so I set to. First I had to find out the size of the panels in the lamp by drafting a plan and elevation view to work out the various angles for cutting the glass. When the glass arrived it only took two evenings to make.

Obviously I didn’t know what the colour of the original glass was, so I plumped for a green favrille glass similar to the orginal Tiffany Studios glass. The other was just common yellow opal glass. I think it turned out rather well.

On Sunday morning I was woken up from a deep sleep (caused by sufficient beer at the party the previous night, but that’s another story) by the door bell at the crack of dawn, (11:30am).

I grabbed my dressing-gown and went to see just who had the audacity to disturb me and drag me out of my sickbed.

Opening the door I was confronted by a smartly dressed couple in their mid-twenties. She was carrying a bible and he had an official looking briefcase full of magazines. Straight away I realized I was not going to get any breakfast if I wasn’t careful.

“Yes?” I enquired, “If it’s about my gambling debts I did promise ‘Bert the Bookies Nark’ I would pay by the end of the week”.

Blank look. Not a snigger or a smile. My witty comment went straight over their heads; they probably thought I was serious!

“Have you found God yet?” the male asked.

Oh, I was so, SO tempted to reply ‘I didn’t know he was missing’ but I bit my tongue and said “Yes, he was hiding behind the sofa.”

Still no laughter or smile at my even wittier comeback. It was then that it dawned on me that these buggers were serious, and not a put-up job by my friends to get me going because they know that I’m a dyed-in-the wool unbeliever.

“Have you ever read the bible?”, it was the females turn now. I replied “Yes, once, but it was so boring. When I got to the book of Cyril I fell asleep. Mind you, I did enjoy the film very much, especially when they nailed that bloke to the cross” (aren’t I evil?)

A look of utter disbelief spread across her face. “But there isn’t a book of Cyril in the bible” she said. “Oh sh*t, I must have read the wrong book then” I replied.

At this the man managed a little smile, “You’re taking the mick aren’t you?” he said.

“Yes, now please go way and leave my in own personal little hell-hole. I have got a bad headache, and I feel sick because I’ve not been well lately. Furthermore I’m not interested in any rubbish you want to tell me about god, heaven, hell or the meaning of life. I am a heretic, atheist, pagan, wiccan, call it what you like, now **** off!”

She smiled sweetly and handed me a copy of ‘The Watchtower’ and ‘Awake’ and said “We understand. Please read these, they may help you in this time of uncertainty. We will call again soon to see you”. With that they went to the house next door that is inhabited by a cantankerous old misery guts (not a bit like me at all), so I knew they would be warmly welcomed there as well.

GOD! Will I never be free of ‘em? [Famous quote by Major Bludnock, late of the Goons].

NB> If there any Jehovahs witnesses out there reading this and you are offended, then tough! You should keep your religion to yourself and not tout it around to people who are not interested. I don’t go knocking on strangers doors and saying “Have you ever considering not believing in God? Come and join us devil-worshipers!”

Cartoon taken from The Oldie magazine.

“It’s the new ‘Punch’, it’s the new ‘New Yorker’, it’s brilliant” – Gyles Brandreth.

I have noticed that Blogger have changed the rules on commenting on their sites. There are now quite a few blogs that I cannot comment on now.

I do NOT have a Google Account any longer, nor do I have a Live Journal, WordPress, Typepad, AIM or OpenID accounts. I do use a WordPress template on my own domain, but not an account with them as such. This now means that unless I sign up with one of the above platforms most Blogger sites are now closed to me. There are several sites on my sidebar that I can read (obviously) but cannot add my comments.

Betsy is one. If you are reading this I did try several times but I get a “Your credentials could not be verified.” flag now.

Helen (LOM) is another, but that’s a WordPress site. I can comment, but only if I use my Facebook account, which I joined against my better judgement!

I will not be bullied or press-ganged into joining one of the platforms that Blogger allows. If I can’t comment, then so be it!

I just did a search of the Heinz Weight Watchers webpage and I couldn’t find the Beef & Vegetable meal anywhere, which I thought was rather strange. All the other products were listed but not that particular one. I changed over to “images” in Google and saw 100′s of pictures of their products but not one of the 2nd picture in my post (I scanned the box for that).

Is it a fraud?

I once bought a box of Liptons Yellow Label Tea (which turned out to be fake, see here) from an obscure webpage in this country because that particular product, although blended in Liverpool, is available all over the world but not in Britain for some strange reason. It is my favourite blend and I always buy some when I visit France. When it arrived I thought that the box didn’t look quite right, the colours looked different to my now nearly empty genuine box, nevertheless I tried a cupful. It was absolutely disgusting!

I took some sachets to a chemist friend and he analysed them and found that the sachets contained wood sawdust dyed with tea. I took the box to the trading standards officer and she told me that there is a lot of fraud nowadays, but she couldn’t do anything about it except to report it to a higher authority. The counterfeiters don’t always copy Rolex watches, jewellery, designer clothes and handbags, they are now into copying everyday items to make a quick buck.

I did think of writing to Heinz, but then I thought it would be just a waste of time like the business of the teabags; nothing ever came of that. Liptons never did acknowledge my letter when I told them what had happened.

I will just have to be more careful in future.

Afterthought – 17 April: If the Heinz frozen meal is genuine and has changed then they should put a notice on the box, possibly something like this:

“The quality and quantity of this product has been reduced, and the price increased by 10% (or whatever) in order to maximise our profits”.

I always prefer to cook my own meals, and even make my own bread, but I do like to keep two or three frozen instant meals in the freezer just in case I don’t have time to prepare anything.

One of my favourites is the Weight Watchers Beef Hotpot from Heinz. Not that I do watch my weight; being a slim handsome Senior Citizen I don’t need to! I enjoy that particular meal because it is full of flavour and well cooked.

I had to rush out one night last week so I used my last instant meal and thought the next time I was in the supermarket I would stock up with some more beef hotpots.

I scanned the shelves in the freezer cabinets, but couldn’t find the beef hotpots, then I saw the beef & vegetable hotpots (right) in the adjacent cabinet. I thought that Heinz had changed the packet design and improved the recipe so I bought two thinking they would be the same high quality. Wrong!

I tried one tonight because I was late getting home and didn’t have time to rustle up something myself. The first mouthful convinced me that I had made a mistake! It was tasteless and, in my opinion, not cooked very well. I persevered but half way through I gave up and scraped it into the cats dish, who promptly sniffed it and walked away! Cats are very good critics, and she probably though I was trying to poison her!

The meat, what there was of it, was very chewy and the vegetables could have been cooked a bit longer. All in all, it wasn’t up to the usual Heinz standard by a long way. Compare the two pictures and see what you think. Every picture tells a story they say.

So it was a quick trip to the local chippie for sausage, chips and mushy peas I’m ashamed to say.

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Well, it was either that or a bowl of my friend Phil’s homemade cassoulet!

Thanks to all my fans (both of you!) who emailed me asking me to relent and carry on blogging. After a long deliberation and many sleepless nights I decided that maybe I should return to the fold. I must admit that I missed writing complete and utter nonsense to please the masses!

After my mother died I inherited a big box of papers, letters and photographs that she had collected throughout her life. I found my old school reports and letters to and from the teachers about my disruptive behaviour in class etc.

Honestly I couldn’t believe it. I always thought I was the sweet gentle type who just loved mixing and playing with the other boys, and then kicking the s**t out of them when they wouldn’t give me their dinner money. That was the norm in those days.

I found a handwritten copy of a letter dated July 1950 which I thought was still relevant today. I don’t know whether she copied it from somewhere, or whether she composed it and sent it the HM Inland Revenue & Bandit office. I wouldn’t put it past her, she was a very forthright person; she always told it as it was! Anyway here is a copy of it:

Dear Sirs,

Mrs Dicky Bird
“The Nest”
Upper Sapling
BOUGH
Barkshire

I have changed the name and address to protect the guilty.

My long time childhood friend lost his only son to a roadside bomb in Afghanistan, and he has never come to terms with it . . . . he is now just a shadow of his former self.