Monday, January 4, 2010

Dealing withText Messagers

It seems to be common practice nowadays for people to reach into their pocket or handbag during a conversation and take out their mobile phone.

While half-listening to their companion, this miscreant will read any text messages recently arrived in their inbox, sometimes even composing a reply. This is distinctly rude, and I suggest the following reposte.

In mid-conversation reach into your pocket or bag and pull out a slim volume of poetry, and proceed to read a verse or two in complete silence. Then gently place your book back into your pocket, or bag, and turn to your companion with "Excuse me. You were saying?"

Further exasperate your companion by taking out a little notebook and composing a line or two of verse yourself, heightening the effect by gazing skywards and licking the tip of your pencil.

If this doesn't work then you have no recourse but to gently take their mobile phone, and with a swift movement of your arm, throw it under a passing bus.

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posted by Keith at 1:17 PM   2 comments

Monday, November 2, 2009

Gun Crime


The graph says it all.

Created from Home Office figures. The figures in the left hand column are per million of the population.

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posted by Keith at 2:07 AM   25 comments

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Give us a treat, or else!

Two years ago on the cold and windy night of October 31st my doorbell rang. . .and again. . .and again. . . So I dragged myself reluctantly away from the mucky video I was watching (about pig farming actually. Your minds!)

I opened the front door to be confronted by three girls of about 9 to 12 years old dressed in witches gear, and brandishing a broom and a BIG bucket. "Trick or treat?" one said.

Now, I had had a bad day. That morning my porridge was lumpy, I burnt the toast and my fingers. The goldfish turned belly up just as I was feeding the damn thing. I wouldn't have minded so much, but I had just bought a new tub of fishfood; jumbo size at that!

In the afternoon I was knitting myself a new balaclava ready for the winter when I realised I had missed several lines out from the pattern so I had to undo it and start again. The cat was sick on the bed (I think it was the goldfish I gave him for his tea).

Anyway enough of that; I think you get the picture that I wasn't very happy when the little brats girls confronted me demanding money with menaces. So I politely told them to "go away" in my best Anglo Saxon.

Later that evening I was settling down in front of the Hi-Fi with a bowl of gruel to listen to my LP of "War Songs of the Third Reich" when a god-almighty BANG shook the house. I dropped my bowl of scalding hot soup on the cat and he shot under the couch and shit on the lino.

Upon investigation I found that some person or persons unknown had put a bloody great firework through my letterbox. Luckily it was on the stone floor and the only damage appeared to be a scorch mark up the back of the door. Apart from the soup all over me, the cat, the carpet and the chair, and the cat crap under the couch, everything seemed OK.

This year I have screwed the letterbox flap down, put a bucket of washing up water on the windowsill above the front door ready, and installed an automatic sensor in the outside light (don't want to miss the fun do I?). Oh yes, and I bought myself a "The Boys Own DIY Minefield" kit. and if I catch them I can try out my "Junior Hangman Kit"!

Happy Halloween everybody peeps! Grumpy? Who? Me? Perish the thought.



N.B. Hover over the LP link before clicking.

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posted by Keith at 4:00 AM   7 comments

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Re: Fiona Pilkington and her daughter.

More victims have told of their years of torment by yobs following the tragic case of Fiona Pilkington and her daughter.

Melissa Robinson, who has learning difficulties, told the newspaper of four years of fear when she was harassed by a gang of youths, aged between 12 and 16 and says between 2002 and 2006 she was targeted because of her disability.

She said: "I got to the point where I was so scared about what was going to happen next. Eggs were thrown at the house as well as stones – it was a constant stream of abuse because they could see I got on a bus for a special school. I was called 'dippy' and 'stupid'. It really hurt me to hear that. I found it hard to cope with."

Miss Robinson, who has since moved, said: "Just because I'm born different it's not my fault and why do we have to put up with hate crime? I called the police once about the problems but they said they couldn't help me.

During the Pilkington inquest, former Leicestershire assistant chief constable Chris Tew, outlined the force's policy changes and training programmes put into place after the pair's deaths.

In December 2007, two months after Fiona Pilkington commited suicide, it was decided it would become policy to categorise repeated offences against disabled people as hate crimes, meaning they would be taken more seriously.

Before this, the Pilkington family's calls were dealt with as incidents involving "anti-social behaviour".

Driving down that road this morning I noticed that the police presence and the TV vans have all disappeared. It looks like the yob family haved been moved for their own protection and, more than likely, given new identities!

The road was strangely quiet, I never saw a soul. Now somebody in another area is about to inherit some problems. Have you had a new family move in near you in the last two days?

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posted by Keith at 1:52 AM   1 comments